I didn’t struggle with my self-worth until I reached high school. Suddenly, in high school, I was hyper-sensitive to what people thought about me. I auditioned for the top choir in my school my junior year, and because I had consistently been in the top choirs for my age throughout high school, I knew I had it in the bag. At school, all my friends talked about how nervous they were. We speculated who would make it in. I pretended to be worried, but inside I knew I’d make it.
The evening the choir teacher would post the results on the school website, my sister and I huddled at the computer, refreshing again and again. I couldn’t wait to see my name and validate my confidence.
“The new Crimson Harmony!” the words appeared on the page. We scrolled down to the results. I searched again and again. Surely I had missed my name hidden between the others. But, it wasn’t there. I hadn’t made the cut. The ambiance of the room instantly changed and my sister tried to comfort me. But her words couldn’t ease the emptiness.
Why wasn’t I enough? I felt worthless. What would my friend say? Some of them had made it. Would they think less of me? I began overanalyzing what people said and fabricating scenarios as I tried to fall asleep at night. I quit choir because I was too embarrassed by my failure. Because I cared so much about what others thought of me, I let it make me let go of a hobby I had loved since I was a child.
Too often, we let our perceptions of what others think cloud our judgment. Why do we care so much what people think? Why do other people’s opinions matter so much to us?
This week, I want to focus on the lies we tell ourselves about our worth, so we can overcome those lies and find the truth for when we feel worthless. I’ll first, address the lie we tell ourselves and next, find the truth we can live by.
Lie: How I compare to others determines my worth.
To many of you, this may naturally sound like a lie, but how often do we tell ourselves this? We see perfect lives on social media and compare those to our own. Most times, we don’t notice ourselves doing it.
Recently, I decided to fast for seven days from social media. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I was struggling with my image, but I knew it had something to do with social media. Almost immediately, my mood improved. I felt more capable of my goals. Without even realizing it, I was comparing myself to my friends in every scroll of the page. By giving up social media, I gave up comparing myself to others constantly. Instead, the only comparison fresh on my mind was to how I was the day before.
If you play the comparison game, you’re destined to lose. There will always be someone better than you and someone worse than you. With 7 billion people on the planet, that’s just how it is. For some reason, we think where we fall on that “bad to best” ladder determines our worth. It doesn’t. My worth didn’t change with how I compared to others.
Truth 1: Your worth is not determined by comparisons.
Worth is innate. If we had to prove our worth by being in the top 50% of the world in success, half the world would be worthless! But, even looking at those we may see as inferior to us, we know they intrinsically have worth. You might have a friend who isn’t as successful as those around her. Do you look at her like she has no worth? Of course not! If we don’t look at someone unsuccessful like that, why do we think we are less in comparison?
Don’t let comparisons pull down your perception of yourself. Because it’s just your perception. Your true worth never changes.
Try it out: If you struggle with comparing yourself to others often, try a social media fast. If you have to use social media for a job or some other responsibility, limit it to specific hours of the day (preferably one hour or less). Limiting it at all will make a difference.
Lie: I have no reason to be here. I’ll never do anything of worth.
We tend to practice self-defeat often with thoughts like these. Before even taking a step forward, we take ourselves out of the race. We just know we’ll fail.
As a little girl, I believed I could make a difference in the world. With a whole life ahead of me, I thought I would compose a symphony, write countless books, and travel the world. I thought fame or recognition would mean I had made a difference. As I grew up, I discovered I’d probably never do any of those things, at least enough to be famous, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never do anything of worth.
Have you ever had someone say something at just the right time in your life? Did someone give you a sincere smile when you felt that no one loved you? Has someone changed your life? I know I have. And, they probably have no idea they were making a difference in my life. You might be making the same difference in someone else’s life. You are doing worthwhile things each day.
Truth 2: I have purpose and meaning in life.
If you feel that you don’t have anything to contribute, think of your purpose. Why are you here? Check out my post about 3 steps to find your life’s purpose if you don’t already know what your purpose is.
Sometimes, we feel down because we aren’t living out life’s purpose. We need the fulfillment that comes from doing what we are meant to. For me, my purpose is simply to teach. I love sharing lessons I’ve learned with others through giving advice in a conversation, teaching for my job, or writing articles like this.
Try it out: Do one thing each day to fulfill your purpose. Even doing something small can make a huge difference. Listen sincerely, smile often, and be there when a friend needs you. You can find purpose today by doing a small act of kindness. As a result, you’ll begin to see yourself in a better light. You see the difference you are making and know that you have purpose and worth.
If you don’t know your purpose, your purpose is to find it.
If you feel like you don’t have purpose and meaning, work on fighting that lie with this truth: I have purpose and meaning.
Lie: To build my self-worth, I need to only focus on me.
I think we see this lie often because of the recent emphasis online about self-care. We definitely need this emphasis. We take little time for ourselves because we are so focused on the many responsibilities we pile on. However, this ideology can lead us to think if we focus only on ourselves, everything else will work out.
After all, self-worth has the word “self” in it. Shouldn’t it be all about me? However, if we focus only on building ourselves, we neglect others and the purpose we can find by helping them.
The truth is, so much worth and joy can be found in helping others.
Truth 3: While I need to practice self-care, I can also find worth through helping others.
“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
-Charles Dickens
I believe we are on this earth together to help each other. Remember how much the people you thought of in the second truth changed your life? When we serve, we stop thinking about comparisons and find true joy because we are making a difference. You can find your worth by serving others.
Try it out: Find someone to serve. Try something simple at first, or start with something big. What do they need? Maybe a neighbor is going through a tough divorce and needs someone to talk to. If you want to reach out in your community, look at a site like Just Serve for opportunities close by.
Lie: Self-worth comes from success.
Society constantly bombards us with the idea that being successful means we have to reach a certain level of accomplishment. We have to start a company, write a bestseller, or make a certain salary. It touts celebrities as above us mere mortals because of their wealth and fame, pummelling us further into insecurity.
This lie is injected into every part of life, but that doesn’t change what it is: a lie.
Our self-worth is not determined by our success. It is not determined by our failures. It never changes at all. We all have self-worth, and we are worth more than we can imagine.
Truth 4: Self-worth is innate.
Your worth was established before you were born and continues in this life and beyond. Even if I wasn’t religious, I would believe that everyone innately has worth. Worth is not gained because of what you’ve accomplished or lost. It just is.
At a church camp as a teenager, I heard an analogy that has shaped how I view worth. The speaker held up a $20 bill and asked us who wanted it. Obviously, everyone raised their hands. The speaker then took the bill, crumpled it up and stamped on it with his dirty shoe. He held it up once more and asked if who wanted it. After this display of aggression, we all tentatively raised our hands again, wary of a loophole we had somehow missed.
Here comes the lesson. He said that despite the dirty and crumpled state of the bill, it was still worth $20. We could still buy chips or a shirt with it and no cashier would hesitate to accept it. We are all like this $20 bill. No matter how dirty we feel or unsuccessful we think we are, our self-worth never deteriorates. It just is.
Share in the comments below how you combat these negative feelings! What you share can have a positive impact on others when you share with authenticity and compassion.
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